Glenna's Blog

I’m immune to most tearjerkers because I don’t empathize with heterosexuals. So the lesbian biopic Gia caught me off guard. When Elizabeth Mitchell said to Angelina Jolie, “I thought we’d have more time,” and she was referring to their tea date but didn’t realize Angelina was dying of AIDS, I became very upset.

“He loved men and always had loved them. He longed to embrace them and mingle his being with theirs.”

E. M. Forster, Maurice.

Or maybe this is great writing, “mingling” is the perfect word to describe what most humans want to do with each other, and I am heartless?

On Wednesday lawyers in the Prop 8 trial will make their closing arguments. The judge has come up with 39 questions for them to address. Some of them bring up issues that we partisans haven’t turned to cud yet:

How does the Supreme Court’s holding in Michael H v. Gerald D […] square with an emphasis on the importance of a biological connection between parents and their children?

Michael H is a child custody case in which the Supreme Court denies a biological father visitation rights because there’s another guy on the birth certificate—the mother’s husband at the time she gave birth. Writing for the plurality, Scalia favors the marital relationship over the biological connection because, he says, that’s what American law has always done. 

A pro-gay ruling could use Michael H to defeat two arguments: that America has some kind of grand tradition of privileging biology-defined families; and that kids are better off being raised by biological parents (even if the facts show that they are, the law as stated in Michael H supersedes them).

What are the constitutional consequences if the evidence shows that sexual orientation is immutable for men but not for women? […]

The constitutional consequences are clear: the state would be allowed to discriminate more against lesbians than against gay men. The question’s not academic. At trial the anti-gay side’s only credible argument was that it is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind. Some of their evidence on this point even came from non-religious sources.

If the court finds that lesbianism is whimsical, there are ways to argue we should have marriage rights anyway. For example, all women deserve the same level of protection as gay men, because we are all immutably bisexual. But I hope no one bothers. It’s about time the federal courts recognize that fags and dykes have nothing in common.

Some write to make money; some write to communicate; some write because they enjoy it; Jonathan Franzen writes to prove to other writers that he is capable of writing from the perspective of a rape victim.

“When she started fighting, she fought hard, if not well, and only for so long, because she was drunk for one of the first times ever. […] Altogether, there was much to blame herself for.”

It’s too bad that this story reads like a final project for 10th grade health class, because I really admired Franzen’s portrait of a lesbian in The Corrections. Now I’m looking back thinking, wtf Franzen, literature shouldn’t make the reader feel “admiration.” Write something that disturbs me instead.

“bisexual leanings”

The New Republic talking about Katherine Mansfield. That magazine literally can’t string two words together.

SNL ran a skit about Suze Orman last night where most of the things she said had to do with how she is a lesbian. Some of the jokes technically only referred to how she was obsessed with her vagina, but judging by what preceded, it’s safe to say they were premised on her lesbianism. It ended with a photograph of her not wearing pants. 

(For a reference point, imagine a skit about Denzel Washington that made a bunch of jokes about watermelon and fried chicken, then had him talking about how big his dick was, then showed him pantsless.)

I am okay with straight people mocking our love of cats. I am even okay with suggestive pink shirts on lesbian characters. But I draw the line at “pap smear cruises.” It’s just nasty to depict us as people who enjoy cruises.

Look America, we’re not that interesting. We’re not even that vaginal. Leave us alone.

When news outlets run stories about government figures, they can either display an official-type photo of the person or a random one. Potential Supreme Court nominee and arguable lesbian Elena Kagan has a nice pic on her office’s website (there are also flattering candids out there), but blogs keep using horrible shots whenever they’re speculating about whether she’s a lesbian—including supposedly pro-gay sites [New York][Slate][Queerty]. It seems like they’re using imagery instead of English to say: “she must be a lesbian, look how ugly she is!”

To counteract the media’s ugly lesbian stereotype, here is a beautiful picture of a lesbian:

Gay activism’s newest front is social security benefits. Protesters and politicians are rallying in Hollywood because gay people can’t inherit their partner’s social security benefits when they die.

First: why do married people get to inherit each other’s social security benefits?

Second: this is why the gay rights movement sucks. They have located the absolute least compelling, most arcane aspect of anti-gay discrimination and are marching around bitching about it. This is worse than when they said adoption policy hurt their feelings.

This issue affects almost no one. Take all the gay people in America. Cut out the ones who aren’t “married” to someone of the same sex. Cut the remainder in half, because they will die before their partners do. Cut that number in half, because half of surviving spouses get bigger benefits than their spouses anyway. There: social security survivors benefits affect less than one quarter of gay people, a puny crowd to begin with, and that’s assuming social security even exists by the time most of us are old.

On top of that, the issue is not even emotional. It’s about money. Crass! These people might as well be Tea Partiers complaining about taxes.

Like I’ve said before, we’ve got to stop parading whiny grown ups and start exploiting children. It wouldn’t hurt to actually help gay kids too, for example by making schools teach gay history the same way they teach about other minority groups. And we should ask Obama to put a lesbian in the vacant Supreme Court seat. (Okay, I am not going to rally for that. But people who like to rally should!)

The Professor by Terry Castle

This essay collection hits all its marks in terms of insight, style, wit, knowledge of the 18th century, etc. But the main excellent thing about it is it’s weird. In an essay about touring WWI battlegrounds with her bull dyke cousin, Castle insinuates that they want to have sex with each other. Describing a trip to New Mexico, she continually makes fun of Georgia O’Keeffe for looking like a man. “Georgia’s a brand, a franchise, a Gap ad, a sitcom star. You go girl! No problem if you look like a man!” That essay ends with an Oregon-Trail-ish mock trip report.

The collection’s main flaw is that the stakes feel low. As messed up as Castle’s early life seemed, I could never forget she ended up a married English prof in Palo Alto. She should have revealed more about her present-day vulnerabilities.

For a representative preview, check out Castle’s essay on Susan Sontag. And if you read the book’s main essay, “The Professor,” forgive its false starts. Keep reading and it becomes hilarious.

1970s to early ’80s: The Ellis Island Exception. Sitcom writers may depict butch women pining for their femme roommates as long as they attribute all breaches of femininity to kooky ethnic backgrounds.

Mid ’80s to late ’90s: Zero tolerance. Lesbianism is not allowed. Network heads understand it enough to veto subtext but they do not yet realize straight men like watching women kiss.

Early ’00s: Hipster Victory Lap. Once a series has become its network’s most popular among wealthy young viewers, it may exhibit a lesbian kiss during November, February, or May. At least one of the kissers must be blonde, and the visual must evoke tired ponies.

Late ’00s-present: Plot Twist of Last Resort. After a drama has exhausted all possible story lines for a grating secondary character, she may embark on a relationship with a cheerful blonde lesbian. (NBC allowed ER the Plot Twist of Last Resort in 2001, which is a wistful reminder of how edgy they used to be.)

I have always made fun of the L Word (for example) because it was goofy, educational, and pornographic. But now that I have seen season 5, I take back all my complaints.

In season 5 (2008) the L Word is like, “anyone still watching us must really like goofy educational pornography, so we are going to run with that.” The ingenue becomes evil, the billionaire almost gets raped in a prison shower by an old lady, and the ex-prostitute runs through a wedding reception with her crack showing after banging the bride’s sisters and mother. Marlee Matlin teaches the viewer American Sign Language. There is no token male and the token straight girl never has sex. The treacherous Floridian nightclub owner has a catchphrase: “I’m Dawn Denbo and this is my lover Cindy.” Token straight girl sneaks up on Dawn Denbo and is about to assassinate her (with a handgun) when she is interrupted by her ringtone, which is the voice of her baby niece.

Season 5.