Glenna's Blog

I abuse drugs for the good of the team.

In Friday Night Lights’ first season, Tim Riggins was a racist, Buddy Garrity was a predator, and Julie was a misanthrope. Now Tim counsels pregnant teenagers, Buddy refuses to hang out with overly competitive football dads, and Julie volunteers for Habitat for Humanity. All of the main characters always have good intentions. This show has turned into The West Wing, except there’s no token republican. Every hero is pro-choice, pro-gay, and sensitive to crack addicts.

Also I hate how they’re always shooting scenes from behind windows and inside plants. Like the cameraman is such a badass for sneaking up on interracial kissing.

SNL ran a skit about Suze Orman last night where most of the things she said had to do with how she is a lesbian. Some of the jokes technically only referred to how she was obsessed with her vagina, but judging by what preceded, it’s safe to say they were premised on her lesbianism. It ended with a photograph of her not wearing pants. 

(For a reference point, imagine a skit about Denzel Washington that made a bunch of jokes about watermelon and fried chicken, then had him talking about how big his dick was, then showed him pantsless.)

I am okay with straight people mocking our love of cats. I am even okay with suggestive pink shirts on lesbian characters. But I draw the line at “pap smear cruises.” It’s just nasty to depict us as people who enjoy cruises.

Look America, we’re not that interesting. We’re not even that vaginal. Leave us alone.

1970s to early ’80s: The Ellis Island Exception. Sitcom writers may depict butch women pining for their femme roommates as long as they attribute all breaches of femininity to kooky ethnic backgrounds.

Mid ’80s to late ’90s: Zero tolerance. Lesbianism is not allowed. Network heads understand it enough to veto subtext but they do not yet realize straight men like watching women kiss.

Early ’00s: Hipster Victory Lap. Once a series has become its network’s most popular among wealthy young viewers, it may exhibit a lesbian kiss during November, February, or May. At least one of the kissers must be blonde, and the visual must evoke tired ponies.

Late ’00s-present: Plot Twist of Last Resort. After a drama has exhausted all possible story lines for a grating secondary character, she may embark on a relationship with a cheerful blonde lesbian. (NBC allowed ER the Plot Twist of Last Resort in 2001, which is a wistful reminder of how edgy they used to be.)

Reading about a new book today, I came across something I read a lot about modern books. The author said: “I don’t want to judge so much as make readers dwell inside the mind of someone they might not necessarily be sympathetic to.” From lit fic about bankers to movies about guys who fire people for a living, it seems like all the cool storytellers these days are writing about unsympathetic heroes.

The recent fetish for unsympathetic heroes starts with the Sopranos. It was an awesome show, and a lot of people attributed its awesomeness to the unusual premise. They were wrong. In fact what made it awesome was HBO getting a bunch of geniuses together and giving them money to burn. If James Gandolfini had played an actual waste management executive under David Chase’s direction, we still would’ve become obsessed with him.

It’s human nature to sympathize with main characters. When our attention is drawn to someone, we automatically search for things they have in common with us. So saying “I want to make people sympathize with someone who has flaws” is like saying “I want to make people eat a cupcake even though it is high in cholesterol.” When you reach that goal, don’t consider yourself a pastry chef.

I have always made fun of the L Word (for example) because it was goofy, educational, and pornographic. But now that I have seen season 5, I take back all my complaints.

In season 5 (2008) the L Word is like, “anyone still watching us must really like goofy educational pornography, so we are going to run with that.” The ingenue becomes evil, the billionaire almost gets raped in a prison shower by an old lady, and the ex-prostitute runs through a wedding reception with her crack showing after banging the bride’s sisters and mother. Marlee Matlin teaches the viewer American Sign Language. There is no token male and the token straight girl never has sex. The treacherous Floridian nightclub owner has a catchphrase: “I’m Dawn Denbo and this is my lover Cindy.” Token straight girl sneaks up on Dawn Denbo and is about to assassinate her (with a handgun) when she is interrupted by her ringtone, which is the voice of her baby niece.

Season 5.

Not earnest.

Slate reviews Glee today:

The show is eager to offend, and on the other hand, it flaunts good morals—hard work and collective struggle and all that. It has its earnestness and spits its sarcasm, too.

No. Hard work and collective struggle pay off for the characters within such an absurd context that you know in reality, the results would be the opposite (for example, in real life a tiny gay boy would not become a football hero by leading the offense in dance before a crucial play). It’s a 100% nihilistic show.

If you’re looking for an earnest story, read or watch something perverse. The darkest storytellers are often the most obsessed by morality and injustice—Bret Easton Ellis, Houellebecq, Celine. The bad behavior they depict is meant to represent our society’s real behavior taken to the extreme, in order to shock the audience into reflection, and the material disgustingness comes from the author’s moral disgust.

It’s common knowledge that pro-war propaganda weaseled into the New York Times and the Washington Post in early 2003, but did you realize it also tainted NBC workplace dramas? I’ve been watching the West Wing episodes from that period—mid-season 4—and it’s all about how goshdarnit we got to put our foot down about “freedom from tyranny.” Some lines:

“A ship in the harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for!”

“Frederick the Great told his generals, to defend everything is to defend nothing… I don’t know what that means.”

“Congratulations folks, we got ourselves a doctrine!”

It would be superclever if five episodes later all the characters start saying stuff like “remember how glib we were about war before we had any experience with it?” and then two or three of them commit suicide. But I know that’s probably not going to happen, because The West Wing won a best drama Emmy for that season.

• Sex and the City. Wall Street hero tantalizes glamorous journalist.
• The West Wing. Fealty to the president leads to honorable behavior.
• Frasier. Radio personality attracts women.
• Felicity. Tape recorded reflections about befriending people of diverse backgrounds in Greenwich Village.
• Mad About You. College drop-out has a job, husband, and friends.
• Ally McBeal. Harvard Law grads work in a loft.
• Will & Grace. Gay man and his female roommate continually revisit the question of why they are not a romantic couple.

Hulu’s got season 1 of Newhart, an early 80s sitcom where Bob Newhart moves to Vermont and buys an inn. In the pilot episode he interviews a woman in her 20s, Leslie, for a maid’s position.

Leslie: As for my qualifications, I have a degree in European history, and I’m presently attending Dartmouth studying for my master’s in renaissance theology. And in my free time I’m practicing with the hope of becoming a member of the US Olympic ski team.

Newhart: That’s basically what we’re looking for. [Hearty studio audience laughter.] Leslie, I can’t see any reason not to give you the job. I can’t see any reason not to vote for you.

Can you imagine how that conversation would play out in 2009?

Employer: Uh-huh. That’s great Leslie, but we’re really looking for someone with practical experience. For example, we have king size mattresses at this inn, which means king size sheets. Not regular old queen sized like your mama taught you. Also, our maids wear uniforms. Now I understand that Olympic athletes wear uniforms too. But does a ski uniform include an apron? Right, that’s what I thought. Well, thanks for coming in Leslie. We really appreciate your time. Good luck with your astrology program. It sounds very interesting.

I’m relieved that the L Word is off the air. Straight girls were always telling me how much they loved it (here’s an example) and that was awkward in two ways.

First, because I always felt an impulse to say “thanks,” even though that would have been incorrect on most levels.

Second, because the L Word was a terrible show. I just watched it for the sex. So when I went along with whatever the straight girl said for the sake of being agreeable, I always felt like I was speaking in cheesy innuendos.

“You’re right, Carmen was so much better for Shane than the bi girl… I’d like Bette to teach me about art, too… The writers totally nailed it pairing Alice with a certified vampire…”

This image of lesbians shows the malleability of gender and sexuality and is not awkward at all.